FAILURE IN ALL ITS GLORY

Words matter. They can lift people up and they can bring people down. They can empower, abuse, infuse and confuse. The word “failure” is not a personal pronoun; it’s an abstract noun. Failure is not the same thing as errors, mistakes, and defeat. Each of these words have unique definitions. Failure should never define a person; however, it can refer to a mindset. We can argue the pros and cons of failure and how shame or guilt drive our behavior when we feel we have failed; however, what we cannot do is ignore the power of failure. Failure is potent, and we must recognize how we can use the emotional experience of failure to continue our best life’s journey.

Tomorrow I will have the honor of chanting Torah via Zoom. Fate would have it this week’s Parashat Vayechi concludes the book of Genesis and culminates in a lesson about the blessings of failure.

Here’s what we learn:

Jacob gathers his 12 sons around his deathbed and evaluates each of their lives and shares predictions of each son’s future. Unfortunately, Jacob has not learned from his own life experiences and he predestines his children based on what he perceives as their previous failures. His son, Joseph, unsuccessfully attempts to correct his father. The Torah suggests that Joseph forgives himself for his own past transgressions and by accepting his mistakes he gains newfound wisdom. He is liberated from the prison of a failure mindset and he finds he can love more deeply. By forgiving himself, he can more easily forgive others. As Joseph mourns his father’s death, he assures his brothers that he has forgiven them and promises to care for them and their families.

How does this story speak to me?

Anyone who knows me is aware that learning is my #1 value. It’s what gets me up each day and keeps me motivated. This has been true for as long as I can remember. Learning has been my focus since the day my mom announced to me as a young child that everyone has a job and that my job was to learn. She set me on a path to use learning as my signature differentiator. I hold several higher education degrees and certifications. I’m a voracious reader. I’ve had many interesting and meaningful job experiences. I’m in the business of learning. I learn every day. It’s what I do.

Learning is a value I have tried to pass on to my own daughter and to an extent I’ve been successful. Many would say this is the opposite of failure. My daughter knows and accepts her main job is to learn, and she truly does her best to live up to my high standards. However, during 2020, like Jacob, I wrongly judged her efforts, because while I was astutely aware of how difficult it was for her to function in a world with minimal human interaction, I discounted the profound impact of hardships and disappointments of last year’s plague.

I stand firm on the value of learning.

Reflecting on 2020 has made me realize at some point in the year I stopped recognizing my daughter had been doing her very best to deal with the stress that comes with puberty, middle school, social media, political awareness, and the craziness of a global health pandemic. I was focused on failing grades, failing friendships, and failing communication. I was critical when I should have been more accepting. What I failed to do was simply accept her efforts in what for her had been dire circumstances.

During 2020 my daughter epitomized perseverance in the face of adversity. In comparison my own behavior was subpar. I didn’t manage stress well. I was exceptionally irritable. And I showed frustration about small infractions. I had forgotten to find strength in my reverence for learning.

The light comes in this week’s Parashot as it reminds us that failure is an important experience, not “the” defining moment in our lives. It encourages us to be hopeful and to turn failure into learning and acceptance. For me, it’s not a new president and a vaccine that will make 2021 better than 2020. What will make the most difference is remembering that like Jacob, we must accept and learn from our failures.

My daughter has a mom who has experienced the ultimate failure in all its glory.

The good news for her is that this mom knows how to learn.